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rainbow bottledsand- bottledsand- bottledsand- bottledsand- meteora looking forward to TAIWAN trip sunshine public holidays money drop from up above exercise schedule bees roses amanda april aqidah baldwin benson boon heng clement sim desmond quek eden eileen aw georgina ooi hariani huizhen jaclyn jasmine jerome joanna mai jocelin tan jolene tan jonathan tan joyce jing ting kareen kenny tan khairul le ying lihong louisa tan marlina mark toh matthew meijuan melissa leong ms chuah mu en qing hui randy raphael razanah shuyi/suming/weishan stefenie wang min wei jie yile yong woei zhi mei zhuo jie daisies > October 2004 > November 2004 > December 2004 > January 2005 > February 2005 > March 2005 > April 2005 > May 2005 > June 2005 > July 2005 > August 2005 > September 2005 > October 2005 > November 2005 > December 2005 > January 2006 > February 2006 > March 2006 > April 2006 > May 2006 > June 2006 > July 2006 > August 2006 > September 2006 > October 2006 > November 2006 > December 2006 > January 2007 > February 2007 > March 2007 > April 2007 > May 2007 > June 2007 > July 2007 > August 2007 > September 2007 > October 2007 > November 2007 > December 2007 > January 2008 > February 2008 > March 2008 > April 2008 > May 2008 > June 2008 > July 2008 > August 2008 > September 2008 > October 2008 > November 2008 > December 2008 > January 2009 > February 2009 > March 2009 > April 2009 > May 2009 > July 2009 > November 2009 > June 2010 credits skin by: Jane |
30.12.05 @ 18:17 alright. this will be the last post of this year. currently in school. waiting for band practice. don't feel like going down so early so i'm somewhere in engine school slacking. still early you know. hmm. feel kind of tired now. finished tutoring at 5 and came to school for band. sleepy + tired. that's how i'm feeling now. how am i going to spend the last day of 2005? sleep till i'm happy. most probably go to this weird concert that my sister want me to go. going to stay at home and countdown in front of the freaking television. haix. pathetic right? haha. have a number of plans for next year. hope i'll be able to make them come true. alrights. enough for this year. i know some posts this year are rather long. but they're just a reflection of my thoughts. anyway. happy new year. !! hope everyone's happy! with love, xoxo 24.12.05 @ 21:07 yes i know. there's still a week before the end of 2005. but hey. i'm bored. so. here goes the review. 2005 alright. i'm going to do this review in one of the stupidest way i can think of. let's do it the operation statement for each quarter way. haha. jan - mar 05 alright. january to march. basically this period of time i spent it all on working and working and working. didn't really have much of a life. oh ya. got acquainted with the others working with me. they're crazy people. but not as crazy as someone i ended up knowing later in the year. and think that's what i've been doing in my working life in that quarter. but still. february was the time that our .: o lEveL rEsuLts :. were released. i cried coz i got an A for english. to be frank that's only the second time in my whole life that i've gotten an A for english. the first time was my psle. but that's that. i really worked hard for it and i'm glad that i got the grade i wanted. got quite good results. though i failed A maths but i tell myself at least i've tried. and the results improved from an f9 to an e8. haha. i know. it's only a grade and its still a fail. but i tried my best for it. though i was kind of disappointed in my combined humanities marks but hey, overall i'm a happy girl. then it came the time to choose the institution that i wanted to go. did a lot of thinking. and ended up putting my current course as first choice. i'm glad i didn't get into my second choice coz its too far away and i would have to wake up even earlier to get there. so i'm happy. hmm. that's all for the happy things in the first quarter. and now the sad things. well, my heart was broken once in march. but who cares. i'm over with it now. though it wasn't easy for me to move on. but hey. i did it. hmm. what else. don't think anything else makes me sad in that quarter. so. oh yes. before i forget. i dyed my hair in march. haha. so. next please. april - june 05 april came and its time for my secondary school band's syf competition. i went for it. went back to school with them and well, wasn't really pleased with their attitude at that time. and i wrote it here, in my blog and some juniors ended up hating me. i realized my mistake and apologized to them. and that's that. during this period i'm still working. and that took up 80% of my life. got the posting results. they placed me in where i belong now. some days later some person from campus called and asked me to attend this plugging thing's briefing. went for it. went for the test the next day. and also went for the interview. ended up in the plugging cds. at first i thought it was rather promising. but soon i realized it's more boring than fun. but hey, i still want my 9CUs. so i went on with it. made some friends from there. but i still don't feel really relaxed there. school started in may. didn't really feel at ease in school. feel like something's missing. all that time i miss my secondary school friends. coz somehow i can't seem to click with the people in my course. thankfully, in june, found some people in my class who are ... how should i put it ... more like my secondary school friends. and of course there's the .: pSycHotIc girL :. who ended up being one of my best friends in poly. but i didn't know she would be so psychotic at that point in time. i only realized it later. anyway. she's a really nice friend. will elaborate more in the later parts. i think that's about it for april to june. oh ya. the most important thing that happened in june. i brought my baby laptop. july - sep 05 hmm. i would say that the late part of this quarter was the happiest times i have this year. anyway. chronological order here. july. think that's the time i got into band. at first when i told my friend in junior college which band i'm in. my friend was like 'you've got to be crazy. that's the worst poly band lar.' but of course after the many practices that i went for i started to disagree. and i think i've changed my friend's opinion too. anyway. remember i said i totally miss my secondary school friends? i organized a chalet for my class. most of them turned up. had fun. bowling and pool. happy days. alright. school started again. and soon, national day. took part in the celebrations in tampines. quite fun. made more friends in band. knew someone who in the end gave me the happiest times of this year. after that was the arts fest in school. and later got into the student union. went for the camp with the roaches flying around in the sports complex. all this time i got to know someone better. and after that was the annual general meeting for student union. went to help out. after that. examinations are coming. studied with a person that no one would ever thought i would study with. since this person is not in my course. but. that's another thing. well. september came. examinations are over. my birthday's coming. just some days before my birthday and after the examinations, the .: hAppIesT tiMeS of the yeAr :. started. he was the .: bEst thiNg thAt haPpeNed to mE thIs yEar :. . i haven't been that happy for a very long time. but really. september was the best month in this year. anyway, i celebrated my birthday with my poly friends. they made me cry on the roof of esplanade. the mini cakes. so touched. but it was all ruined by the two roaches that decided to pay us a visit on the roof. crap. but. i was still happy that day. i feel like i'm on top of the world in september. feel like nothing could go wrong. so gay (i'm straight). and my beloved psychotic friend. she's really psychotic. she can go around screaming and shouting at night in city hall. can you imagine that? but. she's really an angel when she's not psychotic. but hey. she's still psychotic. and she's only psychotic at night. weird eh. haha. oct - dec 05 in short, this is the saddest quarter of this year. the happy times left me in late october. i remember wanting to die at that time. i quit working in october too. so i was kind of jobless. didn't have anything to distract me from all the pain i'm feeling in my heart. in november. school started again. but before school started, another chalet that allowed me to drink to my heart's content. but. really 3 bottles' not much. finally went back to school. felt like crap at that time. really felt like dying with all the online learning thing that is more like a lullaby and with the heartache that i was feeling at that time. didn't work so i have got loads of free time at home on weekends. kept thinking about things i shouldn't be. that's november. december came and another round of arts fest in school. went for a movie with my friends in band. that movie is horrible. the following week, submission of assignments. can't take that moronic stress at that time. was totally depressed. seriously felt like there's no point in living. that wasn't too long ago. just last week if i'm not wrong. seriously i was depressed. felt like everything i did was useless. wasted. thrown out the window. of course i made it through at the end. thanks to those who cared and bothered reading my blog. if not for them, i might still be suffering from it. might even have gone drinking. but really. i'm alright now. i think i've left the past behind me. like he once said .: fOrgEt tHe pAst aNd chEriSh thE prEsenT. :. i will cherish the friends that i have by my side all the time. thanks. and now. the last week of this year, i'm going to make full use of my time. go shopping for the formal clothing that i need. still need a couple of shirts and shoes. running out of cash. haha. that's the sad things in the last quarter. as for the happy things. i've got a tuition job. just started last week. just went for a session today. really nice kids. conclusion in short, this year has really been a roller coaster ride for me. think i've been to the extremes this year. extreme happiness in september and extreme sadness in the last quarter. all i can say is that the events that happened have and will make me stronger than what i am now. sadness follows my happiness this year. but i will make sure that i have not been sad for no reason. i will take this sadness and turn it into my strength. to all my girl friends out there, i love you!!! don't worry i'm straight.! haha. to all the guy friends, i love you guys too! but. as friends only alright. don't think too much eh. haha. to be able to have friends like all of you makes my life worth living. thanks for everything and anything that you guys have done for me. no matter how little it is. even if its just helping me open the door for me to past. or even just being my friend. thanks. this is especially so to those who have listened to me talking about my problems. and even more to those who gave me advice on them. and even more so to those who were there by my side when i was depressed. thanks. with love, xoxo 19.12.05 @ 12:41 done with journalism test. came out only after 25minutes. came out with kareen lar. now sitting outside the lt. waiting. for. hmm. don't know what. have no idea whatsoever on what to buy for georgina's birthday. hmm. thinking. anyway. just now saw a lady walk past. thought she looked like mrs grace low. kind of scary eh. to see a lady who have that horrible hairstyle in polytechnic. haha. kidding. mrs low, don't angry ok. haha. anyways. i think i'm alright now. slowly forgetting him. should be alright after some time. or at least i hope so. no longer so easily irritated. haha. am more happy now compared to a couple weeks ago. really want to thank all those who stood by me. thanks. now the only thing that i'm looking forward to is the end of all these tests. which is tomorrow. haha. after that, would be the resuming of band practices. miss having band practices. but i still have to wait for another week. so maybe i'll go back to my secondary school band. see how they're doing. hope they're doing fine. ;) hope i do well in this mid sem tests. really. hope i've done well in my cds. speaking of cds, i have to choose another cds for next semester. just looked through and well, think that among my choices would be jap, introduction to law in singapore and discovering the human body. but if i'm not wrong i've to choose 5. so maybe french would be another choice. haha. don't bother. as for my elective, if we were to rank the choices, i think i will put chinese newswriting, broadcast performance, media sports marketing, film theory, basic sub-editing and lastly socialogy. don't ask me why this rank. but. hack lar. anyway, my lunch just returned from bookshop. haha. be back soon. =) with love, xoxo 18.12.05 @ 15:51 11.40am. currently studying for media management principles. financial management. hope i won't go nuts trying to understand and memorize the terms and its meanings. finally finished with cds yesterday. so happy. now i'm ahead of most of the others in cds by 3 CUs. haha. so happy. but i'll be happier when i'm done with all the term tests. and after that i'll be able to go shopping for all my formal stuffs. done with a checklist of things to buy. and ends up with quite a lot to buy. think i'm going to set aside my pay for this month to buy all those stuff. but come to think of it. i'm only going to get my pay like next month and i've to get all this things by next year. hmm. think my bank account's going to shrink again. sobx. alright. have to study mmp. i cannot take it. i've only been studying the stupid financial things for 20minutes and i'm falling asleep on the bed. how am i supposed to study like this. i am not a financial person. i'm the money person. just give me the money and i'll count it for you. or maybe even spend it for you. but i am definitely not a financial person. lucky i didn't take poa in secondary school or i might have failed it more than i fail amaths. what a nightmare. really hope that financial will only take up like 2 or 3 marks in the whole paper. or i'm going to do really badly for it. haix.i'm like taking 5 every 20 when studying for financial management. what to do. not my interest. this is the time i really miss marketing. haix. muahaha. done with all the financial crap.moving on to human resource. feel so relieved. going to grab this quick fruity snack. wake myself up at the same time. haha. so sleepy. confirmed assumption that mmp is not interesting and though-intriguing. makes me feel so sleepy. or is it because i've slept too much? total number of hours of sleep from yesterday till today is ... 18 hours. not that much. so, why do i feel like sleeping so much? weird. keep yawning. i remember from somewhere that a person yawns when his/her body is not getting enough oxygen. so am i not getting enough oxygen or am i becoming an oxymoron? haha. weird. it's only 1.10 in the afternoon. how am i going to spend the rest of my day? hmm. think i've not studied enough for journalism but i don't know what to study eh. hmm. maybe i should sleep for a while later. after i'm done with mmp. i've come to an important decision. i have decided to go bathe before i start studying again. haha. what rubbish. suddenly thought of something. its been a long time since i last went to the beach for a walk. the most recent close to the beach was a walk around the park in the middle of the night during class chalet in july. and come to think of it, it's already december. feel like going to the beach and relax. take a stroll. feel the ocean breeze. sense the water droplets. breath in fresh ocean air. so relaxing. if only i can be there now with my friends. although if my friends are there the most probable thing to do would be running around and playing. haha. i'm so happy. finally finished with studying for mmp. might have to revise again tomorrow. now i'm worried about tomorrow's journalism. i don't have some of the notes so i don't really know how to start studying. horrible right. don't think i'll continue studying today. even if i will i'll do it later. not now. it's time for me to slack and relax for a while. time to play some games. haha. hope i'll be able to do well for the tests. wish me luck. =) with love, xoxo 16.12.05 @ 09:50 hmm. want to thank all those who read and tagged or commented. thanks for taking time out to read such long and boring entries of mine. haha. really appriciate it. =) hmm. now at lecture. the last lecture for this year. for this term. interestingly, more people turned up for today's lecture. maybe because term test coming. haha. studied a little for journalism last night. but. can't really get the information through. haix. don't know how to study. got this horrible feeling that i might not do well for mmp. especially if they're going to ask about those financial things. going crazy trying to understand them. haix. hope i do well for the tests. the year's coming to an end. hope all my bad luck in studies, love, blah blah blah will go away. hope good luck will come knocking at my door. haha. crazy. that's me. haha. be back soon. =) with love, xoxo 14.12.05 @ 16:52 haix. not in the best of moods today. haix. suddenly feel so sad. haix. can't talk to those whom i want to talk to. haix. how much sadder can my life get. sobx. can't get over what i want to get over. hate this situation. all i can think about is you. what else can i do? i see you but when i talk to you, you said nothing. what should i do? sad life. i'm trying to be friendly but all i get in return is nothing. sad. i can't help but think of you. what am i to do? every night i wish i'll see you in my dreams. but normally i don't. when i dream of you, it always come with the weird situations. what is happening. i'm sorry i miss you. i'm sorry i still love you. i'm sorry... about everything. x obstacles are supposed to make me stronger. but why do i feel weaker by each passing moment? x with love, xoxo 13.12.05 @ 19:58 at home. tired. tired of things. mainly of myself. what am i talking about? i've got no idea how to start. i've been hoping my friend would answer my sms-es for help. but no. that person is no where to be found. i think i've got no choice but to admit to something. i've to admit that i'm becoming someone whom i warn myself about. someone whom i warn myself never to become that horrible creature. but seems like it's no use. i'm still becoming that unthinkable creature. no matter how i hate it, it's still what i'm turning into. no matter how much i hate to admit it, i still have to face the fact that i think i might be driving myself nuts from depression. i don't know why. but i just feel so idiotically depressed sometimes. do i feel like crying? yes. and i have got totally no idea why. i get irritated far too easily these days. feels like all the patience i've gained from working for 11 months have gone down the little thing called drain. i don't even know the reason why i'm feeling so fishing irritated sometimes. if acceptance is the key to recovering from depression, then i think i'm on the way to getting better. but its weird. i only feel this way when i'm alone. i feel perfectly fine when i'm with other people. maybe it's just me that i can't stand. i always feel so fishing depressed when i see a specific type of things. maybe its the loss of that thing that made me so fishing sensitive to it. its when i see that type of things that i might have the thought of getting myself blind or ending this fishing life of mine so i don't have to see it again. and no. i'm not having pms. don't be crazy. i hate it. i hate myself. its strange. when i can't cry or when the circumstances don't allow me to cry, i would feel like crying. but when i'm trying to make myself cry to let out the emotions in me, somehow the tears feel like they've gone into hiding. i hate myself. i had wanted to take a penknife and cut myself. but. i told myself. would it even matter to the person who i'm doing this for? and. i've told myself in the past that no matter what happens i'll never ever hurt myself. but. i still feel like cutting myself. but everytime i'm on my way to the penknife, i'll think about what will happen if the blade is rusty? wouldn't i get hurt more than the amount i want to? wouldn't i suffer from more severe consequences? i think too much. that's the only thing that stops me from taking that penknife and pressing it hard on my wrist and sliding it down. i hate myself. i hate myself for feeling this way. i hate it. some might envy me because i get to sleep longer than they do. but think of the quality of my sleep. they might get 2 good hours of sleep. but what do i have? i have 7 hours of bad sleeping. i still feel dead when i wake up in the morning. too much is going through my mind now. i can't think. i don't know what to do. with love, xoxo 12.12.05 @ 11:27 yesterday went for a wedding dinner. thought i saw a senior from secondary school. but not very sure. hmm. now sitting in lecture. about grooming. will be back later. buaix. with love, xoxo 10.12.05 @ 11:00 another 16 minutes to mayday's concert. sad. didn't go for it. no one wanted to go with me. no choice. have to sit in front of my baby laptop and listen to their songs while doing the 1000 word case study. have finished 607 words. another 400 or so more to go. hmm. have no idea what else to write. have finished the situation analysis that made up of around 300 odd words. basically i wrote down the problems. have given a detailed solution of the situation. thinking of how to elaborate the second solution. applied three different types of management thing. wrote crap again. which method do i choose? have to add in plan of action later. which is the better solution? maybe i'll add in more management concepts later. just in case the three are not satisfactory. be back soon. tummy ache. xx bathroom xx feel like sleeping now. kind of tired. anyway. next thursday have to start tutoring. going to tutor every thursday and saturday. hope i won't die. kidding. next march going back to work. told my supervisors just now. oh no. forgot to buy something just now. never mind. will buy it maybe ... tuesday? yeah. yesterday went to watch saw 2. not that gross. alright. if i have to rate the movie according to how gross it is, i'll give it an 8. because 10 is final destination and its sequel. if rate according to the story line, i'll give it a 4. you can guess what's happening at the end by 3/4 of the movie. so you can tell how wonderful the story is. well, maybe it's just cause i'm being sadistic when i was watching the movie. didn't feel disgusted by the gory scenes. was thinking about something else instead. haha. how moronic. my eyes are teary. need sleep. but can't do so unless i've completed the case study. i need distractions to distract me from how dry the case study is. **no i will now spill water on it to make it less dry** oh no. i'm getting lame already. hope i won't be lame in my case study. sleepy. tomorrow i have to go to this wedding dinner with my mom. no idea where on earth it is. don't bother. just give me food. and a good night's sleep. be back soon. going do the case study. see if i can finish it soon. xx case study xx currently at 800 odd words. just another 200 more words. someone help me. so sleepy now. don't even have the energy to sing. maybe just let me see someone i'll feel energized immediately. haha. ignore me. xx case study xx yes!! i've finished with the stupid case study. so tired. will sleep early tonight. or at least i hope to. the deciding factor to my 'sleep-ability' would be my thoughts. yes. my moronic thoughts. if my thoughts run to him. then i might sleep. if they don't then i think i'll be awake for some time. haha. lame. ignore me. been sitting in front of my precious laptop for around two hours. so tired. now thinking of which photos to send for 8r printing. such a waste of money. 8r prints for digital is $6 each. means i'm going to spend another $18 innocently on an assignment. this is a nightmare. going crazy. too tired. oh no. still have the outline for j2. doing it soon. give me 10 minutes. be back. xx j2 outline xx what the hell. i lost my j2 article. crap!!!!i'm too tired to type. why on earth is this happening to me? i had 566 words. now i'm left with 0. f***. now i've to redo the whole thing again. its not easy for me to think of what to write again. i hate this crap. i saved the freaking article. now the freaking article's gone!!!what the hell.!!!hate this. shit. xx article xx completed the article. typing getting slower and slower. this time my article's 589 words. so tired. so dead. tired. nearly dead. sleepy. can't think of anything else now. the only thing i see is the bed that's so far away from me. flying to my bed soon. but not yet. have to burn the pics that i want to print 8r in to the stupid disc. haix. back aching. stole a glance at my phone. saw the date. 10 dec. can't help but think of 3 months ago. what the heck. don't think. don't think about it anymore!!! i've got 3 movie tickets in my wallet. i only keep those that are meaningful. meaningful because of the people i watch it with. the three shows' tickets are *the cave* . *harry potter and the goblet of fire* and *saw 2*. each got it's special meaning to me. harry potter is the first movie that i watch with 3 of my primary school friends. obviously they're all in jc now. crap. "saw 2" is cause that's the movie that we watched for my 1st band outing. and. 'the cave'? that's for me to know and might be for you to find out. haha. alright. too tired to go on. finished burning the disc for photography. yes. all done. wait for monday to print it out. finally. everything's coming to an end. all the assignments i mean. though i'm tired, i still feel like doing work. maybe i'll start with a per com journal. haha. who knows. been sitting here for 4hours. been updating here every now and then. haha. enough crap. nights. with love, xoxo 9.12.05 @ 09:31 oh no. i'm so hungry. i can feel my stomach screaming at me telling me "FEED ME!! I NEED FOOD!!!". ok nevermind. i'm kind of crazy now. *stupid randy. say that he totally agree that i'm crazy. idiot * hungry. grr. later got arts fest. at 12. haix. going to be both happy and sad. haix. sad life. haix. at night. going to watch movie with the whole bunch of seniors. don't know what movie they're going to watch. maybe watch chicken little? haha. then i'll be watching it with shimin and the rest again. haha. maybe. maybe not. who knows. alright. got to go now. should be listening to lecture. be back soon. with love, xoxo 8.12.05 @ 14:10 oh my god!!! why must we do this dinosaur case study. the word limit itself is a dinosaur!!! help!!! i can't think of what to write. and i'm only 44 words in. somebody help me!!! i can easily write 500 odd words for my journalism iwa. but i just can't even think of what to write for this case study. analyze the situation. hmm. if i am really in this kind of situation, i'll just fire the dinosaur. but no. old man say dinosaur must not be fired. crap. send him to the freaking jurassic period then. dinosaurs are extinct. live in the past. don't make your co-worker suffer from a miscarriage. dinosaur. serious. i would have fired this moron instantly. but no. we are not allowed to fire this idiot. oh man. i hate this. just because he's known the old man for very long so he can whatever he wants and not get fired. life's so unfair. if i don't have to hand in this thing, i would have written in my first sentence, i think that the dinosaur is acting the way that he is because he's just being a pain in the neck. and a superbly painful needle that's stuck in the freaking neck. where else can you find a person more idiotic than this? i'm so freaking pissed. talking about this, i reached home last night at around 9.45 and i started complaining to my mom about a real pain in the neck for nearly an hour. only stopped complaining around 10.40. even when i was working i have never complained about a single customer to my mom for so long. you can see how horrible this person is making me feel. it doesn't pay to be nice. what's the point of being so nice to people? they just say things back at you to make you feel like what you're trying to do is just a plain waste of time. irritating. forget it. forgive and forget. remember i also said that i will forgive people but i don't forget because if just because of a tiny small thing i'm going to forget a person and erase a person from my memory is really a waste? but this time, i'm going to forget! i'm going to forget this person and this person will never be back in my memory ever again! so now you see how serious this is. crap. enough complaining. think i'm going to redo my whole freaking case study. bye for now. with love, xoxo 7.12.05 @ 17:01 hmm. did i blog today? hmm. think i did. sorry. bad memory. so tired. sleepy. bored. dead. oh no. have to do journalism interview later. haix. sian. oh no. be back on friday. i guess. or maybe not. who knows. with love, xoxo @ 11:31 so bored. in lecture again. went for the night shoot last night. georgina went crazy again last night. feel so humiliating to know her out of a sudden. haha. just kidding. at least she became normal again after some time. took quite a lot of shots. some look rather alright. might take some of it to hand in. reached home around 12. but didn't sleep until around 2am. was busy getting those shots in my laptop. woke up this morning at around 9. zzz. anyway. so bored. will be playing games after i finish blogging. haha. be right back. =) with love, xoxo 6.12.05 @ 17:25 so unlucky. having a slight fever and a flu. crap. later going to do the night photography with the rest. going town area. lets hope we're not going to walk too much. feel like sleeping out of a sudden. haven't eaten lunch. and wonder when we're going to have dinner. too dead to be thinking about what to write. be back maybe tomorrow? anyway, does anyone know when mayday is coming? if anyone know, please tell me. hope i'll be able to catch them at the airport. =) with love, xoxo 5.12.05 @ 15:19 oh ya. forgot something. good luck to MJC for their genting competition. hope they'll win with the pieces noah's ark and and dancing in the wind. the best of luck. especially to my friends from MJC, lihong, huizhen, zhengyi, marlina. good luck. =) with love, xoxo @ 15:12 i just learnt about my secondary friend liking a senior of ours. how shocking. no one would be able to guess how shock i am to know that. freaky. with love, xoxo 4.12.05 @ 16:11 had this weird dream last night. weird. how did these two person appear in the same dream? feels like time lapse. weird. don't understand the meaning of the dream. it's just too bizarre to be forgotten. extraordinary. strange. might be finding one of my best 'dream-interpretor' to explain later. but doubt this person will be able to understand it too. weird. with love, xoxo 3.12.05 @ 10:29 dark clouds have formed shadows in our hearts i listen to the long alone heart clear and like a beautiful scenery can only be seen clearly in memories could the heart that was hurt continue loving me i held the hand that is no longer warm tenderness from the past have been locked in what's left is the sadness that cannot be removed my thoughts for you are like the slowly falling leaves i lit the candle warming the end of autumn polar lights steal the skies northern winds steal the smiles when i think of you i've burnt my love into fallen leaves but i can't have back the familiar face of yours my thoughts for you are like the slowly falling leaves why does regaining have to come before winter loving you doesn't have a time limit two rows of tears from long ago lets love go through the ground all i want is to have you by my side dark clouds have formed shadows in our hearts i listen to the long alone heart clear and like a beautiful scenery can only be seen clearly in memories the flowing rain on the mountains follows the northern wind's sorrowful cries i ring the bells lightly thinking of waking up the long lost love snow flasks have fallen on the ground deeply afraid the leaves outside have frozen translated from 'feng' by jay chou from november's chopin with love, xoxo @ 10:10 haix. so sad. concert's been postponed to next march. sad. haix. with love, xoxo .: to the summit :.
2.12.05 @ 16:26 today's tutorial was a nightmare. so boring. so bored. went out to slack half an hour the tutor didn't even realise. oh my. what a nightmare that was. anyway. yesterday went for sectionals. alright lar. later got band practice again. so tired now lar. hope i won't be so tired later. my instrument sent for repair till now still not back yet. it's only the tuning slide that's stuck and the mouthpiece that's dented. need so long to repair ar. sad life lar. tomorrow going for ne talk. going to bring my baby there. will be online. might possibly update blog. i'll see how things go. haha. alrights. i'll be back soon. with love, xoxo 1.12.05 @ 14:11 alright. i don't know what got in to me yesterday. was pissed off about stuff in band. said somethings that i think i should not have said to myself. but. i really don't know what happened to make me so angry. i'm not stressed or what. i just don't know what's wrong. excuses are the main reason why i was angry. i think. it's been very long since the fish and duck word came out of me so many times in 10 minutes. haix. really don't know what happened to me. i feel like i'm not who i am. feel as though something came over me and i'm lost. feel like i'm possessed. ok. that's something too serious. but i really feel that i have no control over what i'm doing or feeling. i feel irritated by a lot of things that i normally wouldn't. i would want to start having a punching bag cause i'm just too frustrated. normally i won't feel that way. i don't know. feel like i get joy out of ... nothing?? or maybe the only joy i get is out of music and friends. i don't know. feel so lost. don't feel like myself. feel like i'm somebody else. maybe its time i see a shrink. i'm becoming somebody i told myself i won't be. feels like i'm following the steps of a senior of mine in secondary school. no. i won't turn into that kind of monster. i won't. i can't. argh. what's happening to me?! i'm lost in a world that's entirely not my own. need a drink. let me be drunk. but no. that won't solve any problems at all. if i do that, i'll only make myself more lost in an alien world. no. i can't do that. what on earth am i supposed to do?! somebody enlighten me. please. when i was angry last night, in my mind was the message "be angry. be very angry." but it is only after sometime then i thought. why on earth was i angry for? was there really a need for me to be angry at that time? i'm lost. really lost. don't know what to do. with love, xoxo |