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1.12.05 @ 14:11 alright. i don't know what got in to me yesterday. was pissed off about stuff in band. said somethings that i think i should not have said to myself. but. i really don't know what happened to make me so angry. i'm not stressed or what. i just don't know what's wrong. excuses are the main reason why i was angry. i think. it's been very long since the fish and duck word came out of me so many times in 10 minutes. haix. really don't know what happened to me. i feel like i'm not who i am. feel as though something came over me and i'm lost. feel like i'm possessed. ok. that's something too serious. but i really feel that i have no control over what i'm doing or feeling. i feel irritated by a lot of things that i normally wouldn't. i would want to start having a punching bag cause i'm just too frustrated. normally i won't feel that way. i don't know. feel like i get joy out of ... nothing?? or maybe the only joy i get is out of music and friends. i don't know. feel so lost. don't feel like myself. feel like i'm somebody else. maybe its time i see a shrink. i'm becoming somebody i told myself i won't be. feels like i'm following the steps of a senior of mine in secondary school. no. i won't turn into that kind of monster. i won't. i can't. argh. what's happening to me?! i'm lost in a world that's entirely not my own. need a drink. let me be drunk. but no. that won't solve any problems at all. if i do that, i'll only make myself more lost in an alien world. no. i can't do that. what on earth am i supposed to do?! somebody enlighten me. please. when i was angry last night, in my mind was the message "be angry. be very angry." but it is only after sometime then i thought. why on earth was i angry for? was there really a need for me to be angry at that time? i'm lost. really lost. don't know what to do. with love, xoxo |