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13.12.05 @ 19:58 at home. tired. tired of things. mainly of myself. what am i talking about? i've got no idea how to start. i've been hoping my friend would answer my sms-es for help. but no. that person is no where to be found. i think i've got no choice but to admit to something. i've to admit that i'm becoming someone whom i warn myself about. someone whom i warn myself never to become that horrible creature. but seems like it's no use. i'm still becoming that unthinkable creature. no matter how i hate it, it's still what i'm turning into. no matter how much i hate to admit it, i still have to face the fact that i think i might be driving myself nuts from depression. i don't know why. but i just feel so idiotically depressed sometimes. do i feel like crying? yes. and i have got totally no idea why. i get irritated far too easily these days. feels like all the patience i've gained from working for 11 months have gone down the little thing called drain. i don't even know the reason why i'm feeling so fishing irritated sometimes. if acceptance is the key to recovering from depression, then i think i'm on the way to getting better. but its weird. i only feel this way when i'm alone. i feel perfectly fine when i'm with other people. maybe it's just me that i can't stand. i always feel so fishing depressed when i see a specific type of things. maybe its the loss of that thing that made me so fishing sensitive to it. its when i see that type of things that i might have the thought of getting myself blind or ending this fishing life of mine so i don't have to see it again. and no. i'm not having pms. don't be crazy. i hate it. i hate myself. its strange. when i can't cry or when the circumstances don't allow me to cry, i would feel like crying. but when i'm trying to make myself cry to let out the emotions in me, somehow the tears feel like they've gone into hiding. i hate myself. i had wanted to take a penknife and cut myself. but. i told myself. would it even matter to the person who i'm doing this for? and. i've told myself in the past that no matter what happens i'll never ever hurt myself. but. i still feel like cutting myself. but everytime i'm on my way to the penknife, i'll think about what will happen if the blade is rusty? wouldn't i get hurt more than the amount i want to? wouldn't i suffer from more severe consequences? i think too much. that's the only thing that stops me from taking that penknife and pressing it hard on my wrist and sliding it down. i hate myself. i hate myself for feeling this way. i hate it. some might envy me because i get to sleep longer than they do. but think of the quality of my sleep. they might get 2 good hours of sleep. but what do i have? i have 7 hours of bad sleeping. i still feel dead when i wake up in the morning. too much is going through my mind now. i can't think. i don't know what to do. with love, xoxo |