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edge of sanity
31.1.07 @ 12:34 i'm being pushed to the edge of sanity. i'm losing my own life. i feel as if i'm not living my own life anymore. every morning, i wake up, i'll ask myself, can i not go to school today? going to school is like ... so depressing. i don't get joy out of it anymore. its a chore. i can't take it. it's like everytime i go to school, i'm not me. i'm not having my own life. it's like i'm no longer being alive for myself, instead i'm alive for the freaking responsibilities and those idiotic projects that are killing me. do you know how it feels like to feel like crying every single freaking day because of the people you have to work with in ALL your projects? its not that they make me do all the work or what. its the freaking way things are being done. a little pressure will enhance one's performance, but this amount of shit pressure these two are giving me are breaking me apart. even when i'm studying for o levels i didn't feel so shity. i'm too restricted in everything. i can't dress the way i like, i can't do the assignments in a way that i don't have to do the things i hate doing. i'm pushed to the limit. i'm just a step away. one more step and i'm gone. with love, xoxo yeah~
29.1.07 @ 09:44 hmm. i went under the iron and the knife yesterday. lolx. no, i didn't go for surgery or anything like that. i went to [how to say ...] flatten my hair. it's not reborn because its not perfectly straight. its not straightening because its not that straight either. the person told me its something like reborn but with the addition of the chemicals. no idea what its supposed to be. but at least now its neater. MUCH neater. so ya, i'm kind of happy with the result. $120. not cheap you know. oh ya. the before and after photos. lolx.  that's my before photo. took it when i was waiting for the bus after band practice on saturday. lolx. its a horrible angle and composition blah blah blah but its not as if i'm taking that photo for photography grading right?  and this is my after photo. its kind of ...grainy. but who cares. its not photography this time around. wahaha. although i do feel crappy that i've to upload such a horrbily taken photo. but ... neh ... don't care. hmm. feeling so sleepily tired. want to sleep. ya i know. its like a norm on mondays right? hungry. anyway, later having band practice at night. hope everything will be alright. so ya. like i always say. i'll be back soon. whenever i can. lolx. ta-da~! with love, xoxo just being emo..
27.1.07 @ 08:47 i'm tired. tired of doing projects. tired of listening to the same old songs. tired of not being allowed to do things just because my mother say so. tired of having to work with someone for 3 subjects. tired of being left alone at home. tired of having to stay at home because there're so many freaking projects to do. i'm just tired. no. i'm not depressed. i'm just tired. i want to scream. i want to scream out the tension building up inside me. i haven't laughed for quite some time. i missed those days when things are much simpler. able to do projects with people you really want to work with. enjoying myself with friends. going out for a movie. that's all in the past. the road to complication is a one way road. life just gets more and more complicated and never simpler. now, being simple can only be a dream for me. i miss my secondary school life. i miss the days when going to school has an advantage, to be with friends. these days, school's just a place to go to get stuck with projects, assignments, journals etc. i want to go back to those good old days. before i ever got here. when my secondary school teacher told us we're going to miss secondary school days after graduation, i was like, no way. i'm not going to miss the days where i've to study for o levels. but come to think of it, my teacher was right. i do miss secondary school days. the good old times. where everyone was pure, innocent, naive, nice. as compared to now. i miss the time when life was about the exam called o level. everyone was focused, more or less. no one bothered about everything else. those days will always be my dream to go through over and over again. i miss all my teachers. even the scary ones. i miss those remedial lessons we have to go through till 5 or even 6 in the evening. there's so much thats bottled up in me. but at the same time, i don't know what it is. i know i can't possibly turn back time to go back to the past. but ... that's what i hope i can do now. to see my friends and have fun with them again. relive those times when life was comparatively easy. saying that i'm depressed would sound like i'm suffering from some mental illness. now i'd rather say i'm emo. its a phase that i'll have to go through. to understand my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, life. i might not be able to understand what i myself am going through right now. but i hope that someday, somehow, i'll be able to understand them. i feel that understanding others is much easier than understanding myself. i've always felt that others will understand me better than myself. certain things i might not tell some of my friends, and even when i pretend nothing's happened, they'll see something's wrong. sometimes even i know that something's having such a big impact on me, but my friends saw it. they're observant towards me, more than i'm observant to myself. i doubt anyone else is like me, having to understand self through others. with love, xoxo arguements...
26.1.07 @ 16:16 haix. sometimes the best way to resolve an arguement is to shut up and ignore. but ... for me, that's the last resort. especially when the other person don't even know where the problem lies. sometimes i wonder ... am i being difficult? but ... its stupid if person A is angry with person B and B knows that A is angry. B thinks that he/she knows the reason but the reason is wrong. haix. maybe its me, maybe its the other person. 'forget it' is not equal to 'i'll forget everything that happen and everything will be fine again'. its just me saying i'm too tired to argue with you anymore. i'm tired of having to explain in every detail what went wrong. just say i'm being irritating. but its also a way for you to understand how girls think. not all girls will tell you the exact reason why they're not pleased with you. this time, its your insensitivity that started it. go think about it. that's the most i'm saying. with love, xoxo 300th post
23.1.07 @ 20:07 hmm. this is like my 300th entry for this blog. its been like ... 3 or 4 years since i started blogging. so many many many things have happened in this few years. this blog have somehow seen me through the ups and downs. but somehow ... i don't know what to say today. kind of sad eh? let's see ... what have i done today? did some filming for title sequence project. was kind of irritated with some stuff. but no choice. have to live with it for another few weeks. and after that it'll be another type of chiong-ing. chiong-ing for concerts and driving lessons. woow! i haven't been going for lessons for like ... 3 months. wonder what will happen the next time i drive. let's hope the instructor won't kill himself. lolx. oh ya, exam time table was out yesterday. and guess what. my last paper is on 2nd march. that's like so long from now. but its alright. at least i have some time to have a rest before my sip. oh man. hope i'll do well for my sip lar. if not i don't know what will happen to my gpa. hee. how i wish there's a third year option for radio/audio. that's what i love doing. its something that i'll love. its something that i know i can score. please ar CM please start the radio/audio option for year 3s in ay2007/2008!!! haix. so bored. still thinking of a good soundtrack to go with my mep project. must the music bed be copyrighted? or can i just use any other song that i find? haix. let's just hope it can be any other song. or i'm in trouble le. blehx. with love, xoxo relax...
22.1.07 @ 09:22 finally. after a LONG week of chiong-ing all the crappy assignments, i got a break from all this rubbish yesterday. got the chance to sleep 12hours till 11am and watched tv all the way. wooh! never felt so relaxed for a long long long long time. but now, after a whole day of PURE SLACKING, its time to start last minute studying for multi cam test later, and its also time to start finishing up my mep project. blehx. so ... getting on with the life, i'm sleepy (again). i slept for like 7hours but i'm still sleepy. don't know what's wrong with me recently. i've been like feeling tired and sleepy a lot these days. might be due to the stress from THAT person. blehx. i'm getting enough of her lectures. what's so out-of-the-norm about people bring PSPs around with them everywhere they go. i know people who do that BUT are perfectly normal. they're not like addicted to it. and whats wrong with listening to music in the mp3 when you're bored? what's wrong with people watching tv when they're bored? she's like a person living in the past. living in the stoneage. whatever. she makes it seem as if being in the PRESENT is wrong. haix. got enough of her. thankfully, we're ending this freaking semester soon. alright. that shall be it for now. before i start taking my shoe and throwing at people. blehx. that'll be it. see ya. with love, xoxo diplomacy, democracy, meritocracy
20.1.07 @ 21:04 diplomacy: The art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way. democracy: the practice or principles of social equality. meritocracy: government or the holding of power by people selected on the basis of their ability. take a look at the definitions and tell me, which of those is(are) missing. i will say all three. there's no diplomacy, not everyone is treated the same way, even if they're not in the wrong. there's no democracy, no one's listening to the people. they heard, but they did not listen. there's no meritocracy what-so-ever. maybe i'm saying this too early, but from what i know, there is no such thing as meritocracy as people who work their butts off get nothing in return. yes, you may say that the world is not fair. but how can it be so unfair that people who deserve to be rewarded might not be. if they were told, they'll say they've heard the people and have done changes. ya right. the keyword here is heard. they HAVE heard, they did not LISTEN. its the same as they looked, but they don't see. if the changes are done, why are there so many people who have not so positive feelings towards them? why do the people still feel the way they felt? i'm sure they've heard the people, they're so low-context that they can't understand what really is going on. they're so low-context i really don't know how to help them even if i wanted to. they've merely resolved the problems on the surface. its like stitching up your wound without taking out the bullet when the bullet fragments are in the vital organs. the person will die, for goodness sake. i can fully understand why the people are feeling this way. at first i believed in them that they will be good, but looks like i was wrong. let me ask you, how many people have cried because of them? how many people have felt like leaving? how many people are actually supportive of them? but this is really a bad experience for me. why can't they be close to the people? why can't they do things right? why can't they change for the better? why? why on earth am i so crushed by such things? just say i'm foolish or i'm too naive for this. because obviously the past has been peaceful for me. please just let all this people understand what the people are trying to tell them. please just let all this nonsense go away. please...let there be diplomacy, democracy and meritocracy.... with love, xoxo tired
17.1.07 @ 13:08 oh man. i really can't take it. stupid ccc project. its making me go nuts. stop sending me those freaking emails. i don't look forward to receiving your emails you know. how i wish this semester will be gone REAL SOON so i can get you out of my life. i have a life too you know. this is a situation whereby work DO NOT EQUAL to friendship. i have to work with you. but you are NOT my friend. ANYWAY, tonight i'm going for band to practice the quintet thing. its tiring, BUT i think i'm going to enjoy myself. haha. let's hope before it i won't take a parang and kill people. lolx. tomorrow's the open house performance, and friday also. let's hope we don't screw up. lolx. feel so tired. tired of all the moronic assignments. all the crazy projects. the only project that i enjoy doing is the radio project. although we have yet to start on it, but its the only one that i look forward to. haix. the place that i feel most at home with in school would be band room. the place that i can always go to (when its open). haix. alright. enough of all this crapping. think i'll be back soon. or maybe not. depends ba. at least now i've got fcp. can do my mep project at home. lolx. buaix. tada. blehx. with love, xoxo last night~...
15.1.07 @ 09:24 lolx lolx. i came late for lecture! and no, i didn't oversleep. i was just too lazy to bathe quickly or get changed quickly to get out of my house earlier. i didn't wake up late either alright. haha. last night went for jiazhen's tpco concert with 8 other people. randy, matthew, xueping, huizhen, jade, kenny, raphael, jing ting. it was nice. but i think that it might have been better if there were more full orchestra pieces. but overall it was nice. lolx. after the concert we went for supper at lau pa sat. wooh satay~! but...that satay guy cheat our money. $21 for 36 sticks of satay and 3 kutupats. what the hell. and they didn't give us all 36. they only gave us 30!!! toot! but nevermind. it was fun, the supper. enjoyed myself loads. after that, ran from lau pa sat to tanjong pagar mrt with randy. woow~ all that running. its been like ages since i last ran lar. was panting like crap after the run. blehx. only reached home like 12+. so tiring. BUT i don't regret going at all. =) ok. enough of last night. manage to finish half of the reflective journal for ccc. the movie part. at least i don't have to burn my weekend away this week. other assignments? radio - done with the recordings. will be doing the editing tomorrow. chinese newswriting - haven't even started. but i've an idea on what to write on. might start writing it later in the day. ccc - like i said, completed the first half, will start the second half when i can. mep - know what to put into the final product. will put them in place soon. maybe i'll get fcp from randy or i might not be able to finish the assignment. so that's my list of assignments due in this 2 weeks. nightmare eh? so here i am, trying to complete everything. blehx. trying to get things done. so, hope i won't die of all the crap. lolx. so, i'll be back soon. i hope. hee. =) with love, xoxo phew~
12.1.07 @ 16:36 wooh~...i was so close to not being able to loan out the recorder! i said close because when i went there, there weren't any recorders left! THANKFULLY, april had yet to return her recorder so when she return, i was able to borrow it out! lolx. so now i have a whole weekend ahead that's for me to do my feature. don't know how i'm going to do it, but i'll try to do it well. hmm, this morning's chinese newswriting was ... a lec-torial filled with ups and downs. some of them know where they're going for their sip interview. as for me, ms chuah say i don't have to attend an interview and mine is most probably secured. i'm happy. this past 10+ days have been a good one. i'll remember it. tomorrow going for band prac. have to wake up at like 6am. oh no. let's hope i'll enjoy it! later's band prac, lets hope it'll be fine. lolx. hmm, that'll be it for now. will be back like...soon? lolx. with love, xoxo Rain...
11.1.07 @ 20:05 Rainy days/nights are best used for sleeping. Its raining outside, the atmosphere so cold. Feel like sleeping.but i can't seem to sleep.maybe its because its only 8pm.lolx. anyway, yesterday's band prac was cancelled. and our next prac's tomorrow night. we have less than 3 pracs till our open house event next week. are we going to perform another miracle again? who knows?... so yeah, i'll be back tomorrow during mep tutorial to add in some stuff. so...yeah...until tomorrow. :) *all i think about is you.* with love, xoxo lala land
9.1.07 @ 14:22 yes i know i'm supposed to be having my multi cam class now. but since we're given 3hours of free time to complete our psa project, and i've to wait to print out the reflections, might as well do a little something here right? so about last night's band prac. well, mr tan didn't come yesterday so we went through some songs by ourselves. i was informed that noah's might not be able to be perfected by concert time, but i thionk it is possible to be done. as long as we go through it every practice or at least once a week. only with practice comes perfection. so our open house performance times have been changed. here's the new updated one. thursday 18 Feb 3.15pm and friday 19 Feb 3.55pm i'm not sure if i remembered it correctly, but if you're free, do drop by and take a look alrightx? *i just enjoy looking at you* with love, xoxo monday ...
8.1.07 @ 09:22 having lessons on saturdays makes me 'messed up'. these 2 days, i've been asking my mom this question when i woke up 'ma, what day is it today?' i woke up this morning thinking it was sunday morning. but the sound of the primary school kids beside my block alarmed me that it is MONDAY!!! when i finally boarded bus 15 at 8.35am, the bus was so filled with people that it goes straight from pasir ris interchange to tp without stopping. BUT it still took 20 minutes, just like when it stops at every stop. blehx. so here it goes again. ccc is REALY a pain. i'm not even listening lar. haix. but it can't be worse than doing group projects. i don't mean most of the group mates. i simply mean 1 person. blehx. arh. there's band prac today. hope everything will be fine. so xian. later after school going to do a little editing for my mep. hope i'll be able to finish it ba. i don't want to do it last minute and end up rushing it and submitting a piece of crap. blehx. think that'll be it for now. can't be bothered about some stuff le. haix. with love, xoxo whatever...
@ 09:22 won't you agree that its interesting that life can be so expected but yet so unexpected? sometimes, the worst things happen just when you least expect it. and so do the best things. it was expected that an announcement was going to be made but i didn't expect it to be that until 2.5 hours before it happened. the thought just appeared. "could it be that ... again?" i tried telling myself no way. it won't happen AGAIN. but when i asked just to be reassured that it won't, the answer came back as the worst thing that can happen. by the way that they said about making an announcement, it sounded all so happy, as if there was going to be a joyous event like someone getting married or giving birth to kids. but yet the news was a sad one. or at least to me it is. he told me that it might be a good thing since we'll all have more time to prepare and there's going to be double the sense of achievement at the end. but what if, let's just say what IF, the worst were to happen once again? taking our hopes away since the second joy was not confirmed, and i doubt is confirmed? yes, true that it would be double the joy if what they say were to be true. but think about it. the second joy was to be the one that would require us to make more effort for. by what i see, at the end of the first happiness, some people would be too tired for the second joy. and with the addition of losing people to share the joy, would it be as good as they expect it to be. if i remember correctly, on the day of the second joy, which is the day after the first happiness, is my sip launch in the morning (or at least i think it's in the morning). i'll try to be energetic. but how long can that energy last me? take me out of the picture and see, how many people are actually willing to go back now? their faith and hopes have been lost, hearts have been broken. how many people are willing to give their hearts and souls in to it again? this whole thing is like being in a relationship. first, the partner gives you hopes, dreams and promises of a better future. but after some time, he/she tells you that 'hey, i think we've to hold back on the promises. i don't think we (you) can fulfill the criteria for the promises. so let's slow down, i'll fulfill my promise to you in another 3 months.' but you're not happy about it. you feel heartbroken. you feel as if a thousand needles are in your heart. you feel like you're being let down. you can't take it anymore, you talk to your friends about it and your partner finds out. now he/she walks up to you and say 'well, why don't i fulfill that promise a month in advance? i'm sure we can work things out!' you feel great. now you have something to look forward to again. you do your best in it. but just one month before the promise was to be fulfilled, your partner tells you this. 'my dear, i've decided upon something. i'll fulfill the promise to you. but it'll be late. nearly 2 months late to be exact. but don't be sad. i've made a great plan for it. not only am i going to fulfill that promise of mine, i'll give you something else, something even better!' how many times can a person's heart be broken in less than 6 months? once is pitiful, twice is unfortunate. will there be a third? if there's a third, it means only one thing. it's a cheat. a broken heart don't heal so quickly. especially if it's twice in a quarter. how many people can have their hearts healed and willing to jump back into the relationship again? i'm not sure. have my heart healed? am i willing to jump back in again? i don't know. i can only say i'll try my best to heal and go back. sometimes it really seems hopeless. this whole thing. if it's a relationship, i'll say the partner is hopeless. don't make promises that you know you might not be able to fulfill. we learnt it in marketing in year 1. DO NOT over-promise and under-deliver. it will just leave you with a dissatisfied customer who won't make a second/return visit/purchase. it's always better to under-promise and over-deliver. he said 'that's for products. not for people.' but i beg to differ. that sentence is useful, even in our daily lives. think about it. with love, xoxo hello '07!
5.1.07 @ 11:26 hello 2007! i know its kind of late to say hello to this year since 5 days have already passed. lol. but who cares. well, this year so far has been a frustrating and pocket burning year for me. frustrating because of the stupid assignments and 1 particular person who wants to be part of everything. pocket burning year because on the first day of this year i spent $30 on clothes for chinese new year. well, lets hope the remaining of the year brings with it better prospects. lolx. tonight will be the first band practice for the year. hope things turn out fine. jade say there's an important announcement tonight. wonder what it is. i suspect its the band camp for the concert. i don't know. asked jillian yesterday and she didn't want to tell me. blehx. let's hope its good news that's coming our way tonight. hope the important announcement not going to be that concert's going to be postponed or something like that. last night i was watching the princess hours dvd with my mom. i nearly cried lar. because we were watching the last 3 episoodes and its so sad. it reminds me of some stuff. so there were quite a number of times i nearly cried. sobx. hmm. in order to welcome the new year (which is actually a little old), i'll start putting up photos. i know. it's been like 3years since i blog but i don't put up pictures. lolx. or maybe next time. because i've yet to get the photos from chanya from our last performance. lolx. haha. guess that'll be it for now ba. buaix! =) with love, xoxo |