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just being emo..
27.1.07 @ 08:47 i'm tired. tired of doing projects. tired of listening to the same old songs. tired of not being allowed to do things just because my mother say so. tired of having to work with someone for 3 subjects. tired of being left alone at home. tired of having to stay at home because there're so many freaking projects to do. i'm just tired. no. i'm not depressed. i'm just tired. i want to scream. i want to scream out the tension building up inside me. i haven't laughed for quite some time. i missed those days when things are much simpler. able to do projects with people you really want to work with. enjoying myself with friends. going out for a movie. that's all in the past. the road to complication is a one way road. life just gets more and more complicated and never simpler. now, being simple can only be a dream for me. i miss my secondary school life. i miss the days when going to school has an advantage, to be with friends. these days, school's just a place to go to get stuck with projects, assignments, journals etc. i want to go back to those good old days. before i ever got here. when my secondary school teacher told us we're going to miss secondary school days after graduation, i was like, no way. i'm not going to miss the days where i've to study for o levels. but come to think of it, my teacher was right. i do miss secondary school days. the good old times. where everyone was pure, innocent, naive, nice. as compared to now. i miss the time when life was about the exam called o level. everyone was focused, more or less. no one bothered about everything else. those days will always be my dream to go through over and over again. i miss all my teachers. even the scary ones. i miss those remedial lessons we have to go through till 5 or even 6 in the evening. there's so much thats bottled up in me. but at the same time, i don't know what it is. i know i can't possibly turn back time to go back to the past. but ... that's what i hope i can do now. to see my friends and have fun with them again. relive those times when life was comparatively easy. saying that i'm depressed would sound like i'm suffering from some mental illness. now i'd rather say i'm emo. its a phase that i'll have to go through. to understand my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, life. i might not be able to understand what i myself am going through right now. but i hope that someday, somehow, i'll be able to understand them. i feel that understanding others is much easier than understanding myself. i've always felt that others will understand me better than myself. certain things i might not tell some of my friends, and even when i pretend nothing's happened, they'll see something's wrong. sometimes even i know that something's having such a big impact on me, but my friends saw it. they're observant towards me, more than i'm observant to myself. i doubt anyone else is like me, having to understand self through others. with love, xoxo |