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lost, for good
22.6.08 @ 16:57 i've been kind of moody the past week. at first i thought it was because of that incident. it's only last night that i realise, that that's not the main cause. i realise i just lost something. something that is of extreme importance to me. something that i've had with me for many years. something ... that has become a major part of my life. i never thought i'd be so messed up like i am now because of the loss. i even thought that the loss is a change for the better, since i'm so tired these days. but i realise nothing else can replace that space left by that loss. i thought that i could live with the fact that band is no longer a part of my life. but i thought wrong. it has been a major part of my life for 8 long years. it's like losing someone you love and treasure for 8 years in the blink of an eye. but no, music is not dead. it's just that i won't be able to make music with friends or express myself through it. i refuse to go home early on the previous monday and friday. i just refuse to. i've had 3 years when i spent monday and friday nights in school. i can't get used to the lack of it. i think i've fallen in too deep. fallen into the musical trap. into the trap that there's no way out. i can't bear to bring myself back into that room. the room that i've made precious friends in. the room that i've spent at least 5hours weekly in. the room that reminded me of the great time spent there. i promised that i'll visit. but i doubt it'll be any time soon. the only visit that i'll make is supper visit. and i wish i don't have to hear about what happens in that room now. for i will only feel worse that i can't be part of it. i can't bring myself to click on those songs that we played for concerts. for i know, that droplets will roll from my eyes. remembering the memories, the fun, the madness we faced then. i've given too much. i guess this is what i get for giving my all for 3 years. and there it ends, with just another ordinary band practice. how do they leave without feeling how i feel now? Labels: band with love, xoxo |